Excerpts from my diary

Between 17th & 21st August 2018
Kolkata, India

G raised the temperature and rained fire on me. He seems to have brought out deeper layers of conditioning which I wasn’t aware of. And the effect of it has been deadly on me. What he told me on 20th was particularly ravaging. He was raining fire on me and I kept burning like hell! Ahhh! But strangely I don’t remember most of what he said that day. 

My chest is burning day and night. Great discomfort is engulfing my body. My legs are heavy, as if full of charge. Electric currents are passing through my hands and feet all the time. The body is heating up and cooling down continuously throughout the day. I have tried to watch if any particular thought causes the heating, but couldn’t come to any definitive conclusion. Even thoughts about him are having the same effect, seeing his photo has the same heating effect. So I don’t know for sure. There is so much churning, conflicts surfacing. My spine hurts and I feel some contractions/movements in my chest. I can’t read, write or sing, just can’t do anything. Everything is repulsive! I just can’t figure what is happening to me. I could have had a some relief had I been with him now.

I feel drained, don’t even feel like moving. I rarely go out of my room or talk to anybody. I don’t know how the days and nights pass. I am completely withdrawn, there is no interest in anything. I am helplessly watching myself. I also feel sleepy all day. These days G appears very serious. His usual joking and laughing are absent. I can’t help see him on facetime even though it burns my body. He said to me, “You will not like me any more. You are getting burnt.” He smiled when I said I was helpless and I couldn’t turn away from him.


My head feels lighter today after four days. I am able to sing and joke with him. He did exactly the same! He is a perfect reflector!

Every word he utters goes straight inside me and keeps whirling, doing its own thing unbeknownst to me. His presence is becoming more and more vital to me, his glory more effulgent. Whatever I write about him is not what he is. I cannot convey it. If one writes or reads about fire and its properties, it does nothing to the person, other than adding to his existing knowledge. But if one happens to touch fire, it burns unmistakably. That’s the proof. No belief or faith is necessary. 

If I have to describe him, what words and salutations can I use which have not been used before by man? That’s the limitation of knowledge. It is all borrowed. Words cannot match the overwhelming feeling I have for him, the pulverising attraction and longing, the joy I experience on seeing him. It is perhaps life’s mystery.

Mother Nature has done the impossible by bringing me where I am today by navigating through countless social oppressions, fears, diseases, the dangers of self-deceit, conflicts and the zest for knowledge, security and pleasure. And then happened my massive accidental collision with a person in whom life plays freely, radiating its uncompromising, scorching power and fragility. He is the answer to my lifelong longing. His existence is the proof my system was desperately seeking for its own sake, to find its lost balance. What is this, if not the story of the victory of life? 

At Julie’s House Oakhill in Princeton