Conversation with Guha

From phone calls and text exchanges

6-Aug 2018

G: Did you practice singing? Did you sing that sargam?
(In Indian music sargam refers to singing the notes instead of the words of a composition)

Me: I didn’t!

G: You lazy! It’s all right, you don’t have to do anything you don’t like. That doesn’t mean you will do things you like which are not congenial for you. 90% of the people fall back on the things that didn’t work in their past. I know people who fell back on religiosity.

Me: I have no fear, I have seen you, I have seen the living!

G: They had also seen somebody!

Me: I don’t care, maybe they messed up.
G just smiles.

Later …

G: Got some time so I wanted to see you.

Me: There’s no one like you. You never forget me.

G: I have no choice. If someone thinks about me, then I have no choice. But if you forget, then it will vanish from this side too!

Me: What a freedom!

G: There is no bondage here. I have nothing to hold on to or let go of.

Later at night …

G: What are you going to do now?

Me: I am thinking of you, what else can I do?

G: Alright! Now that you have taken the leap with this old man …!

Me: If I were there with you now, I would have made you lunch.


At night …

G: Will you be able to live with me? It is not easy. If you are answerable to anybody or if you care about social prestige or standing, you will not be able to withstand me! If you have any image of me, it will be shattered, and I will walk away just like that and not turn back even once! This is the raw force of life, it cannot be obstructed. Even if it rests temporarily, it will break loose and surge ahead in no time.

My movements and my behaviour are not in accordance with any rules or rituals. That doesn’t mean I will break the rules of the society. I am not a fool. Do you understand? Who has given me the mandate to take care of the maddies?! 

If I stay in the apartment you have rented for me in Kolkata, will it be my way or the highway there?

Me: Of course! That is your house, you can do whatever you please.

G: The lion rules in its den! If I don’t like the den I can even walk out!

Me: Whatever the lion wants!

G: I am trying to warn you in every way possible!

Me: I heard you loud and clear, and I am feeling euphoric!

G: Remember this! There will be nothing else in this world – just you, me and fire!!!

I am dumbstruck. G continues writing.

G: You will realise what a mad man I am! Your head will vanish!

Me: Just do that to me please!

G: I have a stringent condition. You should never come in between me and somebody else who is interested. Nobody should decide who comes or goes. Like the way you came, it is Nature, it just cannot be controlled, nobody decides! Our love is only possessiveness and jealousy. It is very difficult to see. 

Me: I can see that, you have shown me how our mind works. I will not be the doorkeeper. How can I claim anything?

G: This is very important. I liked that you admitted it. Whoever comes in between will not be able to stay with me.

Me: You know what I was thinking when you vanished all day today?

G: What?

Me: It’s the old man’s business, he knows what to do.

G: You are crazy! (smiles beatifically)

Me: Why do I need to worry about myself when you are here?!

G: Of course!

Me: The more I see you the more I am amazed.

G: Why is that? What do you see?

Me: All I know is there’s no other way for me, nowhere else to go. 

G: OMG! Be careful now, so that you don’t blame me later!

Me: I am not afraid of anything!

G: Where there is love there can be no fear!

Little later …

G: I was unavailable all day – this is called perturbation! I will explain to you.

Every living system is a dynamic system which seeks to establish an equilibrium. The human mind is also dynamic but it seeks equilibrium through effort. So, some disturbance can be introduced to see how it responds. That is what I do!

Me: I have observed that. It is as if you drop big and small stones into the water to see what the effect is.

G: Right right! I sent the video of your song to some friends to see their reaction. Some said they couldn’t hear anything when they saw my pic on the laptop screen, the others also just said it is a great pic!

Me: It happens to all of us around you. 

G: We have been taught to compare ourselves with others. Now it has become an obstacle to our sense of freedom.

Note: I am not a professional blogger or writer. Sometimes, even after posting these conversations, I edit them to make them more generic and remove any references which might even remotely offend anybody, although my intention is to never do that.