Excerpts from my diary

12th March, 2018
Pune, India

I never knew of anything like him and will never ever know of another. Everything else is tasteless. He has taken up all the space in my mind and I’m helpless. His face and words flash in my head all the time. My only desire is to run to him. I have no relationships, no friends, nothing. I have a very good job but I am just not interested in it. I’m not rich and still very young. I have no clue about what I’m going to do in future. But I know this much, that his coming into my life is the most significant thing that could have ever happened and everything else pales in comparison. My life may never be the same again after his pure fire touched it. 

I often tell him that there is nobody like him in this whole wide world as far as I am concerned. He laughs it off most of the time, joking that I am blinded by my gullibility or I have cataract in my eyes, and I should wake up from this illusion! He once said to me, “Every lock has a unique key and that alone works for it, others don’t. It is true for you and not for others.” It is my subject specific functional reality. So, I don’t try to convince anybody about this. I never tried to bring any of my friends or family to see him. 

My house is filled with his memory. I wake up thinking of him, see his videos and photos, then get ready and go to office. I talk to him 2-3 times from office. I have little interest in my work and keep looking at his photos on my computer. I come back home in the evening and see him again on a video call. I have a poor appetite these days and can eat very little. I rarely feel hungry. He has asked me to try oats and bananas. We have very simple conversations over phone. No fancy spiritual discussions or lectures, never! For him it is all so simple and one can see it in the way he lives. After meeting him, my ideas about spirituality, freedom and enlightenment have crumbled. To see him is enough, no understanding is necessary. How can I describe the pulverising attraction I feel for him? In his presence, I cannot take my eyes off him even for a second. My body freezes and becomes immobile. He is like a giant magnet. Sometimes I don’t even know that I’m staring at him. None of this is intentional and I don’t have any control over my behaviour.

With so much attention on him and so many people around, he is unaffected and unfazed. He constantly negates what people project on to him. He needs no labels and is incomparable, radiating his own glory! He rarely talks about the effect he has on people. He says, whatever happens is their functional reality and he has no hand in it. Once I told him emotionally, “Who can understand you? It is impossible.” He immediately said, “Only a very few will get a glimpse of it.” He never trashes a genuine outpouring, never. But he is merciless if anybody tries to show off their love for him or demand his attention. 

This time around in Kochi, one day he was particularly animated while talking and there was a great power emanating from him, he was like a volcano! My body heated up, my head went blank and my eyes were almost popping out. I sat on the chair like a drunkard unable to move.