Excerpts from my diary

14th May, 2018
Pune, India 

He’s coming to India again just two months after his last visit! Just two more days to go! I feel electrified already! My bags are packed and I’m ready to fly. I have exhausted all my leaves in office and I’m ready to resign if my boss doesn’t approve my unpaid leave for 1.5 months or more. I have enough savings to sail through a year or more. G tells me everyday, “I am getting worried about you. What are you going to do?” What do I know? I can’t comprehend what is happening and I don’t want to attribute any cause to it. Simply because I don’t know! All I know is being with him is the most important thing for me now. I said to him, “I was waiting for the storm, and now that the winds are blowing strong, can I keep my doors and windows shut?!” He loved it! 

To love him is so easy. It’s all simple. So simple that sometimes I feel my head will burst with joy. He says, “What you see is all that is there, nothing more. There’s nothing to get from me and there’s nothing to understand.” I can see what a profound truth that is. The living energy cannot be captured in any way whatsoever. If one tries to relate to it using words and images, which is the very nature of knowledge, it ends up creating an illusion, an experience, which is second-hand. And the demand to experience never ceases. 

In my case, I don’t know when and how the pulverising attraction for him took over and swallowed up my ideas and desire to understand him. It was not self-created. This focus and attention didn’t come through meditation or any other practice. In fact all my previous attempts at meditation were a massive failure. G never ceases to point out that there’s nothing one can do to acquire this one-pointed attraction. If it happens it happens, that’s all. I knew nothing about it, but it became operational nonetheless. It does not depend upon one’s knowledge.