I am discovering something strange in my aloneness … The absence of drive is not the absence of energy. It is quite the reverse.
We never look at the root. We are only busy trimming the unruly branches. Trying to alter behaviours to fit individuals into the generally accepted social patterns. Even kids are not spared. Anything that does not conform to our definition of “normal or proper”, is a challenge, a threat to our status quo. Hence we try to “fix” people so that we can feel safe. We are afraid to look at ourselves, afraid to question our beliefs and biases. We are afraid of exposing our conditioned and convoluted intentions to ourselves, of shaking our carefully crafted self-image and esteem, which are under the tight control of the highly unstable social value system. That’s too dangerous. Fear is the fuel for keeping the so-called stability in the human society going. The common man and all the doctors, therapists, specialists, priests, gurus, celebrities and scientists are actually in the same boat. Only nobody wants to acknowledge that.
It’s a rather narrow window and my system is not interested in distractions. It doesn’t want to waver from its functional reality which has found a solid ground and powerful stability through G’s company, through a constant interest in him, through relentless observation and awareness of the way he lives, the way his functionality makes him conduct himself. And Mother Nature has always made the most astonishing arrangements for me since I met him in 2016, to have his unbroken company. That is the greatest personal discovery I have made for myself. This is the discovery he has been telling his friends about since he started talking to people after UG’s death. His constant effort is to make us aware of the possibility that an individual can discover their own functional reality, that can establish an equilibrium inside and with the outside world and nature. A stability that is free from social slavery and internal conflicts, that does not need external approval or acceptance in order to function, a state of graceful existence that cannot oppress and hence cannot be oppressed either.
The destruction of all references inside an individual arrests the relentless movement of thought. Without reference there can be no comparison. Without comparison there can be no knowledge, no assessment about oneself. This is the crumbling of the self image, the center of our existence. Life needs no reference, it is complete in itself, it moves according to its innate rhythm and generates everything it needs in the course of its movement. The human capacities of thought and imagination are a byproduct of this movement. Compared to the vastness and complexity of life, human thought is like a drop in the ocean.
Constant distraction, anticipation and psychological fear are unnatural in an organism. Why should an individual feel lonely, scared or bored all its life when everything that it really needs is already naturally available to it through the symbiotic workings of the physical body and the environment? Life is acting every moment to keep us alive and functioning. There must be something terribly and fundamentally wrong in what we understand as our “need”. Seeds of misery are sown when we don’t get what we want.
Choice is a conflict and it will perhaps be there as long as the information processing doesn’t fall into an optimal rhythm. Choice, as I have observed, is generated automatically because of continuous information processing, continuous measurement.
There’s no feeling of stagnation, I am not waiting for anything, not looking for variety or entertainment, just doing things without being under any kind of internal pressure or conflicts. The absence of any kind of goal is this feeling of freedom, of unburdening. How come my thoughts don’t disturb me? How come I don’t feel lonely? How come I am not restless or distracted? It’s a miracle. I don’t know what is operating within me that is making it possible for me to live like this. It is definitely not my doing. I am not capable of causing such a remarkable transformation in myself. If I could, I would have done it long back and ended my misery swiftly. My own efforts were sinking me and I was at the end of my tether when I happened to meet G. Then what happened is a rare phenomenon. Rare because it is independent of my thought driven intentions and actions. In the scorching presence of G, the biological necessity gained an upper hand over my socially conditioned drives and demands. It appears to be some kind of a harmonious working of the brain (considered to be the seat of thoughts) which doesn’t allow thoughts to interfere relentlessly. This prevents the energy drain. Then the vital energy is available to be used by the body for itself and it is not wasted in sustaining an imaginary parallel world of thoughts.
I was at the terrace early morning to see the sunrise. Full of vigour and vitality, life, new everyday, nothing is ever old. ‘Old’ is a figment of imagination, it is the repetitive nature of thought that makes the experience of living stagnant. It is the oppressive nature of constant information processing that creates boredom. The insatiable drive for information and pleasure is an attempt to escape from this stagnation. It is a dead end. Reinventing the escape pathways using new terminologies, ideas and beliefs, newer modes of pleasure, or by recycling tradition – all of it is a perversion, corruption. This distorted way of living creates fear, constant fear. Ironically “fear” is fearful of coming to an end. Such is the powerful momentum of illusion fuelled by words and images in the self-reflecting chamber of thoughts, which we understand perhaps to be the mind.
Because I am not demanding anything, everything I need is already there. Demand seems to create the gap, the lack. There is no poverty in reality. It is self contained. It is a fact. The way life moves is stranger than fiction. It is my own discovery that when the distorted view of oneself and the world is straightened, when the system has gained the strength to self-correct and align, the struggle to live ceases. The magic of symbiosis, which is a property of Nature, unfolds in every aspect of living. There is nothing to understand about it.