Excerpts from my diary


The actual mechanics of this biological process that triggered in the presence of Guha, is unknown to me. Its effect, however, was and remains undeniable. It has resulted in a fundamental realignment of both the mental and the physical aspects of the organism, that includes the “me” and the body. It is the birth and flowering of sensitivity, talent and balance, the death of boredom, self-pity and pleasure-seeking. I discovered for myself, that only one object, a living person, whose system is in equilibrium, if it happens to become the obsession of another human being, can bring about a life saving change in that individual. I believe it is the body’s powerful, innate demand for its own well-being, that gives rise to this obsession, when it happens to find the signature of innate harmony in another living person. It cannot be manufactured by the mind. It is a process of Nature, like the formation of milk in the breast of a lactating mother. A desperate demand to break out of the cycle of misery can perhaps, push an individual to the brink of surrender, the surrender of all the ideas and knowledge that couldn’t do a thing to heal one’s pain and agony. Only then, who knows, may be, the natural obsession for well-being can gain momentum, and a novel movement can begin inside the body, that can dam this dangerously aggressive and self destructive mental masquerade. To give up, is to give ourselves a fighting chance. To be born anew while living.



Whatever is operating inside this body is taking exemplary care of the mind and keeping it free, light, joyful and steady as a rock. I bow down to this purity, this auspicious and incorruptible thing that G has enabled to flower. Without him, without his boundless love and care, I would be wallowing in misery all my life. I bow down to him. For me there is nothing higher than him, nothing more precious. He is the culmination of all I ever desired deeply. He is the fullness that has filled my pitcher to the brim. 



I feel so amazing. There is no fear, insecurity, anxiety, projecting the future, comparisons, demand for any experience or desire for any company. I am living the most ordinary day-to-day life yet I feel fantastic. There’s no poverty of any kind in my mind. This freedom does not depend on me and my understanding of it. I don’t know a thing about it, so I can’t manipulate it, use it, or make any claims about it. It is totally beyond me. That’s why I feel so free, because I don’t have to do a thing about it. This is real freedom for me. There is a different kind of solidity and conviction that comes with this functionality. I don’t need to borrow anybody’s authority to say how I feel about my current disposition. My dependence of external authority when it comes to my living, has ended. The body has somehow found and restored its dynamic equilibrium and that is the most powerful thing for itself. Its burning demand to restore this balance has been fulfilled by the auspicious presence of G. I feel integrated, simple and normal.



I am living alone. All by myself. No definitions of “aloneness” or anything else can be used to describe this. A great sense of freedom and lack of mental burden is making me joyful. I don’t miss anything or anyone, I don’t desire anybody’s company, most of the times, I don’t even feel that G is away, such thoughts are absent.  There is no demand for anything other than simple food, sleep, shower and walks. I sing everyday and watch movies often. Sometimes I read my own writings. I can’t read anything else.

Coming to food. I cook one day and eat for 3 days. Boiled vegetables, rice with quinoa, yoghurt and sometimes I make daal with vegetables in it. If there’s bread, I like to eat a toast with evening coffee. I use very less salt, sometimes no salt at all in the boiled vegetables, and no sugar in anything. A few drops of oil, black pepper and very little spice. I don’t feel any demand for the usual “tasty” food. In fact what I cook for myself is the tastiest food for me. I keep my dinner very light. I have observed over time that my body feels heavy and slightly uncomfortable upon waking up in the morning, if I eat even slightly more or anything heavy the previous night.  This happens every single time. If I keep it light at night, I feel great when I wake up the next morning. Anyway, the body’s functioning is taking such magnificent care of the mental movements. There are no weird dreams, no stressful thoughts, absolutely nothing inside the head that can disrupt my fantastic disposition, or make me feel low – absolutely nothing. So, the least I can do is to be attentive to the signals of this body, the miracle of Mother Nature, and attend to its needs like a devoted servant, I have no right to mess with it. I am helplessly dependent on it. 



Yesterday I slept a lot, was withdrawn, didn’t cook for 2 days, ate the leftover daal and bitter gourd I had made earlier. Low appetite, only very low salt, spice-free food and absolutely no sugar agrees with me presently. I sing a lot. Don’t miss anything in the world. 


There’s no glory in poverty. Every human being should be able to enjoy the benefits of the collective human advancements in technology, medicine and education. Who are we to deprive another human being of decent food, clothing, education and shelter? The wealthy always want the poor to remain poor so that they can satisfy their vain ego in the name of serving them, helping them and emancipating them. We are so petty and needy! As for myself, I will never talk about what it is to experience poverty because I have never been poor. It would be a great disrespect to the people who are struggling to survive out there. How can I ever understand their pain? Who am I to comment on them? It would be so vain. But I wouldn’t wish poverty on anyone. Nobody should be poor. It’s a horrible imbalance in our society.



There’s no drive to socialise or go see places. I sing everyday and listen to G’s songs. Can’t read even G’s books. Reading seems totally impossible. Don’t look at the internet either. For what? Sometimes I open the browser and there’s not one thing that comes to my mind that I should look for. No movement. But strangely, there’s no restlessness, no boredom, no worry about what I am going to do.

I don’t know anything about the body. The mind has been in a great state of balance and grounding, hardly any ripples or inconvenience, sometimes minor, which go away in no time. Totally at the mercy of this body. All alone by myself, not bothered, not bored, not escaping, not seeking highs, serious, kind of air-tight, self-contained, wonderstruck.