Excerpts from my diary

1-September 2018:
Pune, India

What joy there is in singing! I have been singing since morning and listening to Bach and Chopin. Feeling such lightness. There is joy without cause or reason. G called me before he went to sleep and I was giggling away and singing some of Tagore’s lines. His face glowed! We hardly spoke!

I am thinking his company seems to have exhumed all that was dark, resistive and fearful in me. His essence is cruising in my blood, giving me a new shot of life every moment. I feel like kneeling down to this life-abiding presence. Life feels worth living for the first time. He said yesterday, “I am ecstatic for you! Now live your life in style and don’t give a shit about anything.” This is pure magic as far as I am concerned!

What a burden I was carrying in my head for as long as I can remember. I was stuffed with rotten images, fearful projections and self-pity. I was helplessly dependent on the approval of others. I was also a clever manipulator using and dominating others for my gratification. This is what I knew as ‘Me, Myself’ and defended obstinately. I was nonetheless feeling suffocated in this private ghetto of my own creation. There used to be an inexplicable discomfort in by body all the time. Everyday, I used to wake up in the morning tense and anxious not knowing what do to. I was gradually becoming aware that thought was playing a fearful movie in my waking and dream states in an infinite loop. I just wanted out!

***

I am startled that the same information processing system that used to wreak havoc in my life, is now singing a different tune altogether. Much of the thoughts and feelings that it is now generating seem conducive to the well-being of this organism. This is making me realise that the body is everything and its equilibrium is the only thing that is necessary for me. It is not that I am in touch with what is unfolding in my body, that is not possible. I am only beginning to see that I have no business to obstruct its innate rhythm. I am nobody and have to stay out of its way.

What a mind-blowing shift this is. All my attention has been gathered and pulled into my body! There is hardly any distraction. Wow! I have become very focused even while doing minor stuff like cleaning my phone, organising my wallet or combing my hair. I seem to be in no hurry and no work seems monotonous. I am also becoming more attentive to my body’s signals like hunger, fullness, unease, repulsion, lightness, heat and more. There seems to be nothing in this world which is more interesting than this. There is a Bengali talk of his recorded in 2012, in which he talks about the body. He says “There is nothing unknown for the body. You think you know what is good for it! You don’t have any clue about what it wants. If you are lucky and you come to know, you will discover that your body is even mightier than your so called God! It is the life beating powerfully inside you which is the prime mover.” 

***

He told me sometime back, “Nobody wants you to be free, much less your near and dear ones. Nobody will like your independence.”

***

2-September 2018:
Pune, India

It is raining outside. I am nobody.

What business do I have to come in the way of the natural functioning of my body? My knowledge had established such a stranglehold on me that living had become a misery. Intellect, will, self, knower are all one and the same. 

The living energy that runs through every cell in the universe is the reservoir that supplies all that is necessary for life to continue and thrive. It has worked for millions of years in space-time to make us what we are today. This body is nature’s property. My idea that I am its owner, is the source of all sorrow. This is a powerful illusion thought creates. Until the body takes over, there’s no way out of this misery. How the body takes over is a mystery. Is there anything that I did to trigger it? I don’t think so. I was helpless and miserable. G says, “Thought and thinker are the end products of the workings of the brain. They can never discover the source or change anything there. Thought is never in touch with anything that is working inside you.” It is so simple to see. There is nothing to understand. I have no responsibility to know or do anything about it. This is freedom. 

I am drinking coffee at Starbucks and wondering what all my thinking and trying to understand did for me? Nothing, it now seems. This whole movement was false. A burden that keeps on multiplying every moment. Every inference, every conclusion interferes with life’s flow. I am feeling that there is nothing to be afraid of in this world other than my own ugly ideas and images. The enemy is inside, eating away at the body’s vital energy. 

***

We show false courtesy and engage in false conversations. We have nothing to say to each other. Living a false life has become a habit. He said, “Two people are two interacting images. Each trying to figure out what it can get from the other to fortify its own sense of self. There is no such thing as a relationship. Every relationship is mutual exploitation. Even sex becomes a problem after some time. You are free only when you don’t use anybody for your pleasure or satisfaction. Otherwise you are sold body and mind.” I realise the depth of this statement. If I don’t need anything from anyone, I cannot have any relationships whatsoever. Even the subtlest of demands can enslave me, including the intellectual ones. 

But this cannot be forced upon oneself. It cannot be practiced. You cannot not have sex if sexual desire is burning inside you. You cannot practice giving up anything. Any practice is torture. 

***

There’s no time for thought. I am not supplying energy to it. If anything comes to my mind, I act immediately. Like booking my stay at a hotel, going to the mall for coffee, buying flight tickets etc. And I seem to have no concern for money. I am buying whatever I feel like. There are no calculations. I am amazed at this change in my dealings with money! When I had a job and was earning handsomely, I used to be worried about money. And looking at a big bank balance would give me pleasure. And then I saw how he dealt with money given he has none of his own! He keeps a sharp eye on his accounts, settling dues with everyone on the spot. He says, “Keep it out of the way!” Many of his friends feel uncomfortable with his approach. He says sternly, “There’s no democracy as far as I am concerned. If you don’t like it, you can leave now!” People are used to playing games with money and he never allows that! To top it all, he silently pays for friends who cannot pay for themselves! 

About himself, he says “If I don’t have money, I don’t travel. I don’t ask anybody for money either. If I don’t have the means, I have no desire. Somehow money and other things come when necessary. I have this confidence that cannot be passed on to anyone.”

I sit in coffee shops and write. I watch people in malls. There is no unease. Sometimes thought habitually pops up trying to capture what’s going on, what state this is, but it subsides soon unable to take root. 

I find it rather strange that I fell in love with whatever I saw of G since the beginning. It didn’t matter if he was being sweet or bursting like a volcano, my friend was a spectacle to behold and still is! I have never felt what am I doing with this guy or am I wasting my time hanging around him. I questioned nothing about him. This is strange because I had never seen anybody as radical as him before, neither did I ever travel like crazy, as I did with him, without plans or agenda. Yet I felt at home with him, I had to be with him, there was no other way. It is like discovering your long lost friend all over again. He captured me even before I could blink and saved me all the trouble.