Excerpts from my diary

29-August 2018:
Pune, India

I went for a drive to the hills today. Although it’s the middle of monsoon season, there was hardly any rain today. But the waterfalls were in full bloom. Monkeys were doing their thing at the viewpoints. 

There is a steady calm inside me. I can see how thought continuously pops up creating a comparative state of mind. It has to relate to some image, otherwise it cannot exist. I can see what he wants to convey when he says “What is happening inside you is the reality, not what should happen.” What an unburdening, what a grace!

His words are mighty; they seem like the radiation of life’s raw energy. To me it appears his energy can focus, like concentrated sun rays through a magnifying glass, on the darkest corners of the mind and burn down the impenetrable layers of images if one is completely open to him. Even when he is thousands of miles away from me, when his words drill something powerfully into me over the phone, my chest starts burning, something like an electric current flows through my limbs, the body heats up, my heart beats like crazy and I turn into a corpse. After a while, or sometimes after days, I am back to normal. He is a merciless slayer of the knower, the corrupt. He digs out the deeper layers of conditioning and breathes fire on them. Any thought, any idea that comes in the way, is his prey! Such is the fury of the raw life force in him! But even the slightest resistance on our part halts this natural process. This is my own discovery and I don’t care for anybody’s validation or approval. The experiences of others have little value for me, because I don’t need them to judge where I stand. But I also know each individual values his or her own experiences.

I see how mechanical the movement of knowledge is. It goes on and on like an old habit. Conflict creates censorship, turning us into arrogant and depressed individuals. The illusory knower thinks all its problems will be solved by more knowledge, and that there is an ultimate knowledge which will give freedom from sorrows and pain. It seems almost impossible to be able to wriggle out of the trap of knowledge, into which we are thrown at a tender age. Knowledge gives birth to numerous images and every image creates its exact opposite. The interaction between the images and their opposites creates a tremendous conflict. To put it mildly, it is a war zone! To keep it raging, there must be a relentless supply of images, which in turn is generated by an infinite loop of knowledge-experience-knowledge. This continuous process apparently creates the illusion of a permanent self, thinker, knower, me, I. Where does the fuel come from to sustain such a cumbersome and draining act? It comes from the body’s own vital energy. 


30-August 2018:

I am observing how thought gives continuity to experiences and feelings. This way the knower is forever present without a moment of respite. This drains so much energy. It seems to me, occasionally when the body refuses to supply energy for image-making, we get a sinking feeling and call it ‘depression’ or “lack of purpose”. I have also gone through these lows, it is familiar territory. The knower lives on a slippery ground and needs a constant supply of past images and future projections. Without this it cannot exist. 

I remember him saying recently, “No experience and its resultant conclusion has any value for me, forget about it having any value for others. Every moment is different and nothing needs to be carried over. It is a huge burden you carry.” I was helplessly carrying this burden and struggling to wriggle out if it. I couldn’t do anything other than being aware of its ugly nature. I used to get tired and drained out. But I also started experiencing from 2011 onwards an ecstatic state of joy and lightness. I felt as if thoughts used to get pushed to the background during those times. It used to last for some days and then thoughts would come back with vengeance. This went on and on for about 5 years till I met Guha. 

I am beginning to see that there is no need to understand anything. This is living without distractions. It is becoming obvious to me that my body has everything it needs to respond every moment to the demands of living.

Throughout the day I am seeing how thought tries to conclude, understand and create guilt, every single moment. It keeps on connecting everything and carrying them over to the next moment, building up a huge momentum. Oh my gosh! It is so invested in the outcome of every experience and interaction! It is plain evil, destroying the body’s natural equilibrium and sensitivity. 

I was thinking today morning that I am living rather simply. Eating, sleeping, cleaning, doing laundry. This is peace, this is relief! Just like a cat licks its fur, cleans it’s paws, sleeps, hunts and eats, a perfect slave of nature without any will of its own. There is no other way to live. Our ideas corrupt this pristine flow of life. Will is our enemy. 

There is another strange thing. It is a little early to say this but I will anyway. If there is no worry of future, if the projections are absent, and the will to do anything is weak, then whatever is necessary becomes available when needed. There is hardly any dissatisfaction or disappointment. There is no time, the attention moves on to the next thing. This is intriguing! We have no idea about how life moves. It is and will perhaps remain a mystery. He told me sometime back, “As you start shedding your mental burden, you will witness a tremendous flow in your life.”

He cautions us, “There is no such thing as a thoughtless state at all! It is plain bullshit! It is an image you have created as a result of your struggle with thought. The only thing which is possible, is for thought to fall in its right place, where it no longer has a stranglehold on the organism. It is only used when needed. It is like using a pen to write and keeping it down when done.” How supremely simple and potent his words are! Whatever falls from his mouth enter straight inside me without resistance. 


31-August 2018:

He says, “There is no such thing as perfection in Nature. Life constantly navigates through obstacles and adapts itself to survive. This is the dynamic equilibrium of life. If it cannot, it dies gracefully.” This is very evident in animals. There is no scope for despair. To read or discuss about this is one thing, but discovering this functionality in one’s own living is radically different. It sets in motion something that thought dare not touch. It takes away all guilt. 

I don’t feel lonely or bored. I don’t know how my days pass. I am not evaluating anything hence there’s no agenda I guess. I don’t seem to have a particular goal for myself – what I should do or what I should be. What I still want is to be where he his, but my current rhythm is such that I am not unhappy about anything. There is no disappointment. I feel light, active, without worries. I feel no fear or insecurity. I am simply on my own – singing, writing, making coffee, cleaning my room, getting documents ready for my US visa application. The only person I am interested in talking to is him. I miss nobody and don’t desire anybody’s company. Thoughts come and go like an old habit but their hold is weak and they don’t seem to persist like before. Also, my body heats up if any worry crops up and I become very aware of it. 

I don’t have a permanent address now. If I get the visa I will go to US and stay with him for a couple of months and then come back with him to India. If I don’t get it, I don’t know where I will go next. I have no plans and no worries either. I just feel like moving around and not staying at any place for too long. He told me, “The journey is from unknown to unknown.” When I was a kid I used to read travel magazines and used to love globetrotters. I remember being deeply fascinated with the idea of a nomadic life.

I feel until the body’s innate process gains an upper hand, one is helpless against the momentum of thought. It boggles my mind to think how powerful life’s demand for harmony is, that it engineered a near-impossible encounter between me and him, given we come from such different backgrounds and geography! He had told me, “If you think about it, the probability of you and I meeting is almost zero! But we did! Nature is crying out to free itself from thought induced misery. It wants back its equilibrium with life, which is pre-programmed in every living thing.” I felt this very strongly during our Kodaikanal visit in May 2018. I felt in my guts that even if we remotely understood what is life-abiding in us, nature will do everything possible to give us a helping hand. It is as if it wants its pre programmed order to unfold to establish harmony with rest of the life around us. In Guha life’s energy flows without hindrance. He is a highly sensitive and finely tuned instrument of Mother Nature. This is not my belief, it is an outcome of my observation of his living through intense interactions with him. Resonance with him can trigger the process of unburdening in an individual. It is nature’s mystery! He calls it “Attraction, resonance and unfoldment!” The question is  – unfolding of what? It is nature’s program that unfolds, and it is nobody’s private business and nobody can know or manipulate it. It is not the religious bullshit about finding God, finding Brahman or the Self. All of that is a big hoax!