Excerpts from my diary

16th July, 2018

Sometimes I can’t help wondering what is all this? What am I seeing in front of my eyes? What is this thing that we call Guha? His movements are like the flash of lightning – unpredictable, unbounded, charged and precise. I told him this and he smiled shyly like a guileless child! All his actions and words seem to be borne out of a pure response to the dynamics around him. His behavior with an individual depends solely on the individual’s disposition and state of mind at that moment. Nothing is carried over to the next moment and there is no mental residue. He says this is how a vital, living system wants to function given a chance. He sys he has no such feeling as boredom or frustration, since he has no image of himself and of what he should do. To anyone who does not know him intimately, he will appear to be a just a normal, energetic person with a great sense of humour. He would engage in casual chit chat for hours and never utter a word about spirituality to anyone who was not serious. He has no agenda whatsoever with anybody in the world. Even when it comes to his closest friends, he never imposes anything on them. But if anybody asks sincerely for his help, he gives the most practical advice.  

He does not shy away from taking the help of an influential friend to solve the problem of another friend. “This is the only way to navigate through the challenges of social dynamics”, he would say. But he never uses anything or anybody for himself. What is his life like? I remember him saying, “My friends are all I have. This is my life, I have nothing else.” I could have never imagined that one could live like this until I met him. I had imagined certain things when I read about the lives of Sri Ramakrishna and Ramana. But to witness a live-wire, a pure fire raging in front of you is a different ball game altogether. What is it that emanates from him that captivates me and many more? I cannot take my eyes off him even for a second! What is this attraction? Often I feel I’ll be blinded by the light of his presence and close my eyes. I remember a friend had taken some photos of him in Kodai and was showing them around. She showed them to G and he tried to show them to me. I don’t know what was there is those photos but my eyes just couldn’t bear to look at them! I felt blinded by their power and intensity! I turned away as if in pain saying, “I don’t want to look at your photos, I can’t!” He just said to the friends “ok let her be.”

What an intense attention develops in me in his presence! I feel a tremendous power in my body as if each and every cell is bursting with energy! It defies all descriptions and ideas! These are not my imaginings. It is not possible to imagine such things. If it is real, you feel it in your bones and see it as clear as daylight. And you will never seek anybody’s approval or attention; you will have no interest in discussing with anybody whatsoever!

If one is brave enough to expose oneself to such a phenomenon, the fire will burn down the formidable castle of ideas and images and perhaps bring about an irreversible change that is life-abiding. This has got nothing to do with what the holy texts and scriptures call enlightenment or brahma jnana or a state of eternal bliss which can be achieved through intense practice and renunciation. 

If there is anything called peace or happiness, it is the destruction of all inner conflicts, created by images and ideas, that drain the body’s vital energy, and establishment of harmony and balance with life around us. This is nature’s dynamic equilibrium that is maintaining the continuity of life since time immemorial. This supremely intelligent and complex process that has evolved over millions of years can never be known in its totality. It has its own mysterious origin and expression which will possibly remain forever unknown to the human brain, because whatever we can know is limited. Whatever we imagine about its scale, extension and effect are just models and assumptions created by churning what we already know so far as a civilization. In fact all models are created by observing and trying to understand the way nature operates. Knowledge is an after-effect of the living process. It is a memory, and memory is a fragmented, static imprint left behind by life’s interaction with our brain. Like a tiger leaves behind its paw marks in soft mud. But the footprints are not the tiger, not the real thing! How can such knowledge (any knowledge) ever discover the origin  and operating mechanism of life’s energy?! 

Closer home, how will this knowledge solve my conflicts, frustrations and boredom of living? Knowing whether life can exist in Mars or not will not resolve any of my problems at home or my fear of disease and death, while living in an oppressive society. Anything I do for begetting happiness or health leaves a bad after-effect, a fear and there’s no respite. Honestly, I don’t know what is good for me!

Thousands of years of knowledge-gathering has built up a tremendous momentum in our minds and is being passed on from generation to generation, taking on an ominous form. It is a formidable force, a self-destructive movement. On the other hand knowledge has produced tremendous results using science and technology. But overall, as a race, we remain confused, depressed, sick, fighting wars and looking ever more for entertainment to escape the difficulties of living which are our own creation.