Excerpts from my diary

Oakhill, Princeton

He had swellings at the base of his neck again yesterday evening. He was saying that the night before around 9 PM, he was very restless and felt strange. He didn’t know what to do. Then the mind stopped totally with no movement in any direction. It was a strange feeling. We looked up the calendar and found that it was the night of solar eclipse and it had begun around 8 PM. He said, now I know what the matter was! He said many years back, on the night of shivratri, his neck swelled and turned blue on the sides. His chest was red and it seemed as if he was wearing a thick red garland. 


He wants nothing from me. Never demands anything ever. The only thing he asks is for me to sing and write. He allows me to stay close to him. He made it possible for me to stay in America for 5 months. Who would do  such a thing? Such a man is rare on this planet. 

I gave him a haircut today morning. He looks ethereal! His face is shining! 


While driving to Oatmeal with me, he asked me to write about the difference in attraction – what I had for my parents and what I feel for him. With my parents, the basis of the relationship was what we got out of each other. It was driven by a strong conditioning. We had to match up to the images we had of one another, otherwise discord ensued. It was a struggle. With him, I feel uplifted. The basis of this ‘relationship’ is freedom! There is no push and pull from him, he doesn’t need me, yet he allows me to hang around! He demands nothing, absolutely nothing! I don’t have to please him. Hence I feel no inhibition. 


He was listening to my songs in the car and said, “This thing can’t be stolen from you or be spent, it increases as days pass!” 


He said while we were driving to Philadelphia, “You have to know the nuances of bondage.”


Yesterday an 18 year old boy came to see him at Ansonia. He is a second year student of business administration at Minnesota. He had read JK & UG and came to know about Guha. He was in touch with Louis for sometime. He showed tremendous maturity for an 18 year old. I was an absolute dumbass at his age. G spoke for about 2 hours, words tumbling of out of his mouth, never pausing to think. His energy has access to the deepest recesses in us, which are like festering wounds, that nothing else can heal.


What a beautiful thing his body is! The movement of his hands, his feet resting on the table, his slender frame so graceful, fluid – Mother Nature’s piece of art. 

It must have been rare people like him in the past that inspired artists to make graceful idols and label them as “God”. The nature and qualities of such an individual were called “Godly” as they appeared to be strikingly different from most people. 


What is happening in his presence is too powerful, too sweeping for me to grasp. It is as if I am sleep-walking through it. I don’t know. 

There was a lunar eclipse yesterday night. He spoke for about 1.5 hours at Oatmeal. Louis asked him questions about the ancient Hindu philosophy and its foundation. He spoke fluently without ever pausing to think. I sat close to him with my body paralysed. My hands, neck, feet and eyes got locked. I listened with utmost attention but couldn’t process what he said. Tremendous bursts of energy were emanating from him and electrifying me. My head was tight. I felt drunk. 

When I woke up today morning at Radhika’s house, my body was charged up. Then, surprisingly, I couldn’t speak, my mouth wouldn’t move, no words were forming inside. I felt anxious. It reminded me of a similar happening in Kodaikanal earlier this year when I went completely dumb for sometime. A bit later we went walking in the Bridgewater mall. I told G, “Your eclipse-energy burst has made me dumb.” I started talking again when we went for lunch at the Thai Basil.


I feel electrified. The head is tight, thoughts are bubbling up as if getting released by heat. The body is constantly hot and cold – G said it is like tempering steel. 

I was shaking all day as I sat next to him. He knew everything. He casually asked in the evening, “What is happening to you?” He had the most beatific yet mischievous smile on his face!

I can’t write anything, I am drowning in his immensity. What can I write about something so immense and beyond my grasp? He asked me what I was feeling. I said, “I feel as if the air from my lungs will be sucked out if I don’t see you for a second”. He smiled and showed me a thumbs up!

He told me today, “You can say to people that you are preoccupied, so you have no occupation!” 


Woke up around 3 or 3:30 today morning. Tears welled up and won’t stop flowing. 

Till I have an image of myself I will have images of others. But what is ‘me’ and what is the ‘other’? Both are identical – an idea, a bunch of images. That is all there is. That is the show that is running in the head- image after image, reels of passing thought – fearful, hopeful, happy, anxious – draining the vital energy, punching giant holes in the awareness. 

Radhika came very early today. I was up long before and was waiting for him to come down. I was like an object stung by his tremendously high voltage energy. My body has become something else. The eyes are swollen- I didn’t know until I saw a picture that Radhika took of me staring at G in her house. After he came down and sat next to us, I was totally paralyzed. He said something and the crown of my head started paining heavily. I felt my head would burst from the top and my eyes will pop out because of the tremendous pressure. He is nature’s pure energy!

He spoke to a friend for about 30 mins on the phone around 7:35 am. He started with “The name of the game is confusion …” and uttered 3 sentences with such power that it seemed to me they were far more potent than all the uttering of the Vedas and Upanishads of a thousand years put together! When he finished, I almost screamed out, “You are like the purest of the pure, neat alcohol, the tiniest drop of which will make one crazily high. All else is like huge pegs of diluted stuff which cannot produce anything, forget being high! He said, “OMG what are you saying! Are you sure? You have no doubts at all?!” I couldn’t speak any more. 

His essence, his quality is denser and purer than the knowledge of all the scriptures. One can write a thousand books by merely being in his proximity. 


I am so overwhelmed I can’t recall what day or date or time it is. 

He is asking me everyday to write but I am drowning in this immensity and finding words inadequate. This night, he again said, “You should write down what you are seeing and feeling otherwise you will forget it all.” I said how difficult I was finding it to express anything and I was drowning in him. He said,”Then write just that.” Then he switched on the tv and started watching a show. And I started to write immediately. He sat close to me keeping an eye. Magic! This is real, in action!

The glow in his face is making me blind! I am so hot, I am clueless yet so crazily high! No drug can ever do such a thing! My spine is doing a number – weird sensations as if ants are crawling, and burning and pain. I also felt as if ants are crawling inside the head and there is a tremendous pressure. Today, from morning till late afternoon my eyes were very sticky and painful, there was great pressure in the eyes. I told him in the morning when I was walking with him in the mall and he just nodded. He is keeping an eye on me. I am shivering, sweating and cooling with so much energy all day! Again, I can’t eat. I don’t remember if I’ve eaten. The sight of food gave me a panic attack during lunch. The veggie soup that I drank so many times before, seemed like fire to me today. I think my throat is swollen from the inside. My mouth is highly sensitive to taste now and I can only eat very bland stuff. This is a familiar happening now – hypersensitivity to everything. Like he says, it is the body’s design, by design the body is highly sensitive for its own survival and protection and thoughts and ideas have numbed it. He told a friend earlier, “You are confused but your body is not.” 

After lunch the 3 of us Julie, him and me drove to Ikea. On the way he said to me in Bengali, “Tomar aar kono shongshoy nei? Konorakom sandeho nei?” (do you have any more doubts about me?) I said “No!” Then he startled me and uttered twice that famous sloka from Bhagavatam, “bhidyate hṛdaya-granthi, chidyante sarva-saṁśayāḥ” He said, “If the doubts are dissolved, then its over!” Then he laughed with great joy. I sat speechless as if hit by a lightening. 

After Ikea we went to pickup a freind from Newark airport and then went to Radhika’s. While returning home we were talking. G said, “I know the male psyche, how difficult it is to surrender. UG used to say it is easier for women to love him. I know because I was also a man! I was like them.” I took 2 seconds to digest what he had said and then screamed, “Julie did you hear what he just said? He said he “was” a man OMG! Now he doesn’t know what he is!” G started laughing coyly! My oh my!