“What you see as my response to you, and my actions like taking you for a drive, giving you something, chit chatting with you etc. creates a solidified image about me inside your head. Then you begin to expect familiar responses from me, and then begins your trouble. You try to establish a relationship. But the real action, the life-abiding aspects are outside of this area. What actually works or happens is not in this field of relationships or conditioned responses. It does not depend on any of these. It is independent of what you think. It is not easy to see this! It requires total rejection of everything. When I was deeply reflecting about this in UG’s presence, my initial joy and excitement vanished.”

1-September 2018:
Pune, India

What joy there is in singing! I have been singing since morning and listening to Bach and Chopin. Feeling such lightness. There is joy without cause or reason. G called me before he went to sleep and I was giggling away and singing some of Tagore’s lines. His face glowed! We hardly spoke!

I am thinking his company seems to have exhumed all that was dark, resistive and fearful in me. His essence is cruising in my blood, giving me a new shot of life every moment. I feel like kneeling down to this life-abiding presence. Life feels worth living for the first time. He said yesterday, “I am ecstatic for you! Now live your life in style and don’t give a shit about anything.” This is pure magic as far as I am concerned!

What a burden I was carrying in my head for as long as I can remember. I was stuffed with rotten images, fearful projections and self-pity. I was helplessly dependent on the approval of others. I was also a clever manipulator using and dominating others for my gratification. This is what I knew as ‘Me, Myself’ and defended obstinately. I was nonetheless feeling suffocated in this private ghetto of my own creation. There used to be an inexplicable discomfort in by body all the time. Everyday, I used to wake up in the morning tense and anxious not knowing what do to. I was gradually becoming aware that thought was playing a fearful movie in my waking and dream states in an infinite loop. I just wanted out!

***

I am startled that the same information processing system that used to wreak havoc in my life, is now singing a different tune altogether. Much of the thoughts and feelings that it is now generating seem conducive to the well-being of this organism. This is making me realise that the body is everything and its equilibrium is the only thing that is necessary for me. It is not that I am in touch with what is unfolding in my body, that is not possible. I am only beginning to see that I have no business to obstruct its innate rhythm. I am nobody and have to stay out of its way.

What a mind-blowing shift this is. All my attention has been gathered and pulled into my body! There is hardly any distraction. Wow! I have become very focused even while doing minor stuff like cleaning my phone, organising my wallet or combing my hair. I seem to be in no hurry and no work seems monotonous. I am also becoming more attentive to my body’s signals like hunger, fullness, unease, repulsion, lightness, heat and more. There seems to be nothing in this world which is more interesting than this. There is a Bengali talk of his recorded in 2012, in which he talks about the body. He says “There is nothing unknown for the body. You think you know what is good for it! You don’t have any clue about what it wants. If you are lucky and you come to know, you will discover that your body is even mightier than your so called God! It is the life beating powerfully inside you which is the prime mover.” 

***

He told me sometime back, “Nobody wants you to be free, much less your near and dear ones. Nobody will like your independence.”

***

2-September 2018:
Pune, India

It is raining outside. I am nobody.

What business do I have to come in the way of the natural functioning of my body? My knowledge had established such a stranglehold on me that living had become a misery. Intellect, will, self, knower are all one and the same. 

The living energy that runs through every cell in the universe is the reservoir that supplies all that is necessary for life to continue and thrive. It has worked for millions of years in space-time to make us what we are today. This body is nature’s property. My idea that I am its owner, is the source of all sorrow. This is a powerful illusion thought creates. Until the body takes over, there’s no way out of this misery. How the body takes over is a mystery. Is there anything that I did to trigger it? I don’t think so. I was helpless and miserable. G says, “Thought and thinker are the end products of the workings of the brain. They can never discover the source or change anything there. Thought is never in touch with anything that is working inside you.” It is so simple to see. There is nothing to understand. I have no responsibility to know or do anything about it. This is freedom. 

I am drinking coffee at Starbucks and wondering what all my thinking and trying to understand did for me? Nothing, it now seems. This whole movement was false. A burden that keeps on multiplying every moment. Every inference, every conclusion interferes with life’s flow. I am feeling that there is nothing to be afraid of in this world other than my own ugly ideas and images. The enemy is inside, eating away at the body’s vital energy. 

***

We show false courtesy and engage in false conversations. We have nothing to say to each other. Living a false life has become a habit. He said, “Two people are two interacting images. Each trying to figure out what it can get from the other to fortify its own sense of self. There is no such thing as a relationship. Every relationship is mutual exploitation. Even sex becomes a problem after some time. You are free only when you don’t use anybody for your pleasure or satisfaction. Otherwise you are sold body and mind.” I realise the depth of this statement. If I don’t need anything from anyone, I cannot have any relationships whatsoever. Even the subtlest of demands can enslave me, including the intellectual ones. 

But this cannot be forced upon oneself. It cannot be practiced. You cannot not have sex if sexual desire is burning inside you. You cannot practice giving up anything. Any practice is torture. 

***

There’s no time for thought. I am not supplying energy to it. If anything comes to my mind, I act immediately. Like booking my stay at a hotel, going to the mall for coffee, buying flight tickets etc. And I seem to have no concern for money. I am buying whatever I feel like. There are no calculations. I am amazed at this change in my dealings with money! When I had a job and was earning handsomely, I used to be worried about money. And looking at a big bank balance would give me pleasure. And then I saw how he dealt with money given he has none of his own! He keeps a sharp eye on his accounts, settling dues with everyone on the spot. He says, “Keep it out of the way!” Many of his friends feel uncomfortable with his approach. He says sternly, “There’s no democracy as far as I am concerned. If you don’t like it, you can leave now!” People are used to playing games with money and he never allows that! To top it all, he silently pays for friends who cannot pay for themselves! 

About himself, he says “If I don’t have money, I don’t travel. I don’t ask anybody for money either. If I don’t have the means, I have no desire. Somehow money and other things come when necessary. I have this confidence that cannot be passed on to anyone.”

I sit in coffee shops and write. I watch people in malls. There is no unease. Sometimes thought habitually pops up trying to capture what’s going on, what state this is, but it subsides soon unable to take root. 

I find it rather strange that I fell in love with whatever I saw of G since the beginning. It didn’t matter if he was being sweet or bursting like a volcano, my friend was a spectacle to behold and still is! I have never felt what am I doing with this guy or am I wasting my time hanging around him. I questioned nothing about him. This is strange because I had never seen anybody as radical as him before, neither did I ever travel like crazy, as I did with him, without plans or agenda. Yet I felt at home with him, I had to be with him, there was no other way. It is like discovering your long lost friend all over again. He captured me even before I could blink and saved me all the trouble.

29-August 2018:
Pune, India

I went for a drive to the hills today. Although it’s the middle of monsoon season, there was hardly any rain today. But the waterfalls were in full bloom. Monkeys were doing their thing at the viewpoints. 

There is a steady calm inside me. I can see how thought continuously pops up creating a comparative state of mind. It has to relate to some image, otherwise it cannot exist. I can see what he wants to convey when he says “What is happening inside you is the reality, not what should happen.” What an unburdening, what a grace!

His words are mighty; they seem like the radiation of life’s raw energy. To me it appears his energy can focus, like concentrated sun rays through a magnifying glass, on the darkest corners of the mind and burn down the impenetrable layers of images if one is completely open to him. Even when he is thousands of miles away from me, when his words drill something powerfully into me over the phone, my chest starts burning, something like an electric current flows through my limbs, the body heats up, my heart beats like crazy and I turn into a corpse. After a while, or sometimes after days, I am back to normal. He is a merciless slayer of the knower, the corrupt. He digs out the deeper layers of conditioning and breathes fire on them. Any thought, any idea that comes in the way, is his prey! Such is the fury of the raw life force in him! But even the slightest resistance on our part halts this natural process. This is my own discovery and I don’t care for anybody’s validation or approval. The experiences of others have little value for me, because I don’t need them to judge where I stand. But I also know each individual values his or her own experiences.

I see how mechanical the movement of knowledge is. It goes on and on like an old habit. Conflict creates censorship, turning us into arrogant and depressed individuals. The illusory knower thinks all its problems will be solved by more knowledge, and that there is an ultimate knowledge which will give freedom from sorrows and pain. It seems almost impossible to be able to wriggle out of the trap of knowledge, into which we are thrown at a tender age. Knowledge gives birth to numerous images and every image creates its exact opposite. The interaction between the images and their opposites creates a tremendous conflict. To put it mildly, it is a war zone! To keep it raging, there must be a relentless supply of images, which in turn is generated by an infinite loop of knowledge-experience-knowledge. This continuous process apparently creates the illusion of a permanent self, thinker, knower, me, I. Where does the fuel come from to sustain such a cumbersome and draining act? It comes from the body’s own vital energy. 

***

30-August 2018:

I am observing how thought gives continuity to experiences and feelings. This way the knower is forever present without a moment of respite. This drains so much energy. It seems to me, occasionally when the body refuses to supply energy for image-making, we get a sinking feeling and call it ‘depression’ or “lack of purpose”. I have also gone through these lows, it is familiar territory. The knower lives on a slippery ground and needs a constant supply of past images and future projections. Without this it cannot exist. 

I remember him saying recently, “No experience and its resultant conclusion has any value for me, forget about it having any value for others. Every moment is different and nothing needs to be carried over. It is a huge burden you carry.” I was helplessly carrying this burden and struggling to wriggle out if it. I couldn’t do anything other than being aware of its ugly nature. I used to get tired and drained out. But I also started experiencing from 2011 onwards an ecstatic state of joy and lightness. I felt as if thoughts used to get pushed to the background during those times. It used to last for some days and then thoughts would come back with vengeance. This went on and on for about 5 years till I met Guha. 

I am beginning to see that there is no need to understand anything. This is living without distractions. It is becoming obvious to me that my body has everything it needs to respond every moment to the demands of living.

Throughout the day I am seeing how thought tries to conclude, understand and create guilt, every single moment. It keeps on connecting everything and carrying them over to the next moment, building up a huge momentum. Oh my gosh! It is so invested in the outcome of every experience and interaction! It is plain evil, destroying the body’s natural equilibrium and sensitivity. 

I was thinking today morning that I am living rather simply. Eating, sleeping, cleaning, doing laundry. This is peace, this is relief! Just like a cat licks its fur, cleans it’s paws, sleeps, hunts and eats, a perfect slave of nature without any will of its own. There is no other way to live. Our ideas corrupt this pristine flow of life. Will is our enemy. 

There is another strange thing. It is a little early to say this but I will anyway. If there is no worry of future, if the projections are absent, and the will to do anything is weak, then whatever is necessary becomes available when needed. There is hardly any dissatisfaction or disappointment. There is no time, the attention moves on to the next thing. This is intriguing! We have no idea about how life moves. It is and will perhaps remain a mystery. He told me sometime back, “As you start shedding your mental burden, you will witness a tremendous flow in your life.”

He cautions us, “There is no such thing as a thoughtless state at all! It is plain bullshit! It is an image you have created as a result of your struggle with thought. The only thing which is possible, is for thought to fall in its right place, where it no longer has a stranglehold on the organism. It is only used when needed. It is like using a pen to write and keeping it down when done.” How supremely simple and potent his words are! Whatever falls from his mouth enter straight inside me without resistance. 

***

31-August 2018:

He says, “There is no such thing as perfection in Nature. Life constantly navigates through obstacles and adapts itself to survive. This is the dynamic equilibrium of life. If it cannot, it dies gracefully.” This is very evident in animals. There is no scope for despair. To read or discuss about this is one thing, but discovering this functionality in one’s own living is radically different. It sets in motion something that thought dare not touch. It takes away all guilt. 

I don’t feel lonely or bored. I don’t know how my days pass. I am not evaluating anything hence there’s no agenda I guess. I don’t seem to have a particular goal for myself – what I should do or what I should be. What I still want is to be where he his, but my current rhythm is such that I am not unhappy about anything. There is no disappointment. I feel light, active, without worries. I feel no fear or insecurity. I am simply on my own – singing, writing, making coffee, cleaning my room, getting documents ready for my US visa application. The only person I am interested in talking to is him. I miss nobody and don’t desire anybody’s company. Thoughts come and go like an old habit but their hold is weak and they don’t seem to persist like before. Also, my body heats up if any worry crops up and I become very aware of it. 

I don’t have a permanent address now. If I get the visa I will go to US and stay with him for a couple of months and then come back with him to India. If I don’t get it, I don’t know where I will go next. I have no plans and no worries either. I just feel like moving around and not staying at any place for too long. He told me, “The journey is from unknown to unknown.” When I was a kid I used to read travel magazines and used to love globetrotters. I remember being deeply fascinated with the idea of a nomadic life.

I feel until the body’s innate process gains an upper hand, one is helpless against the momentum of thought. It boggles my mind to think how powerful life’s demand for harmony is, that it engineered a near-impossible encounter between me and him, given we come from such different backgrounds and geography! He had told me, “If you think about it, the probability of you and I meeting is almost zero! But we did! Nature is crying out to free itself from thought induced misery. It wants back its equilibrium with life, which is pre-programmed in every living thing.” I felt this very strongly during our Kodaikanal visit in May 2018. I felt in my guts that even if we remotely understood what is life-abiding in us, nature will do everything possible to give us a helping hand. It is as if it wants its pre programmed order to unfold to establish harmony with rest of the life around us. In Guha life’s energy flows without hindrance. He is a highly sensitive and finely tuned instrument of Mother Nature. This is not my belief, it is an outcome of my observation of his living through intense interactions with him. Resonance with him can trigger the process of unburdening in an individual. It is nature’s mystery! He calls it “Attraction, resonance and unfoldment!” The question is  – unfolding of what? It is nature’s program that unfolds, and it is nobody’s private business and nobody can know or manipulate it. It is not the religious bullshit about finding God, finding Brahman or the Self. All of that is a big hoax!

Guha’s friend the Bangladeshi poet Nannu Mahbub approached him in 2012 with a request to write a piece in Bengali on U.G. It was published as the preface in Nannu’s Bengali translation of U.G’s book Thought Is Your Enemy. When I read it years later, I found Guha’s expression in his mother tongue so unique and poetic that I decided to translate it to English.

U.G. Krishnamurti was a personality whose expression bore the unique rhythm of Nature. When I recollect and relive my experiences from the many years I spent with him, I feel as if thousands of flowers are in bloom amidst the wild green grass covering the mountain slopes and the valleys stretching to the horizon.

The superhuman effort to find a solution for the problems in his life brought about a burning discrimination in U.G. His uncompromising mentality gave rise to immense inward courage and determination. While traversing the path of life, an acausal, calamitous event struck him, out of which was born a living solution. The proof of the existence of Nature’s symbiotic equilibrium became palpable in all his movements. If we can approach his conversations with an open mind, then perhaps that living melody will begin to play in every chord in our body. When thought-driven desires create a dissonance in the natural rhythm of an individual, problems begin. The imperceptible feeling underlying this aspect can be called ‘Thought is your enemy’.

Rooted in this inconceivable space, U.G. was mingling with the people of the world, regardless of their caste, colour, religion, economic status or talent. His conversations are pregnant with pointers that can help us go to the root of our problems and give us the courage and determination to reject everything that does not work in our lives.

Sabyasachi Guha
2012
Kolkata

This is an original composition by Rabindranath Tagore. I recorded it in April 2021. 
Music arrangement, keys and percussion by Venky @ SUR Productions studio, Bangalore.

Meaning:

You have made me boundless, 
Such is your play
You empty me and infuse me with new life again and again.

You have carried this little flute over hills and dales 
Playing innumerable melodies;
How can I convey this to anyone?

At your immortal touch 
My entire being breaks its boundaries in immense joy 
And words of wisdom spill over!

Night and day you are pouring infinite gifts into my tiny fist;
Ages have passed, 
Yet you continue to give, and I take.

(Translated by me & Revathi Iyengar)

Translation of Guha’s Bengali poem Niraasha

I know you will never forgive me
For I have disappointed you 
Turned you away time and again
Yet I will keep singing without a care
The tune that captivated my heart

Before you leave if you ask yourself
What do I have?
You will sink in your memories
Yet find nothing there
Other than a museum of the dead past

Like a child looses itself in play
Taking a pacifier for the mother’s breasts
So are you living with memories
Untouched by the living energy
Erasing the present out of fear
You keep your restless mind occupied

To forget the unbearable pain of your existence
Held captive by the stranglehold of thought
You speak of the glories and the stories of the past
What’s the point in reciting “Om tat saviturvarenyam …”
When the sun rays disappear into the void
Forever failing to find a receptacle

The human mind is like the African jungle
Like the rainforest of Amazon
Sunlight has never found its way in

21 July, 2019
Oakhill, Princeton

Guha: There must be something in us that creates a core, natural, existential demand. It’s difficult to explain. If that demand is strong, then you are lucky. Why lucky? Because if the demand is strong it will begin to find a way to resonate and satisfy itself then there will be a different kind of ardour and zest that will land in the space of your life. On the other hand, you could be unlucky because it may never happen and life would be utterly disappointing for you. You could be a good mother or father or a successful professional and have enough money, yet nothing will give you that satisfaction which the core demand is seeking. From the standpoint of the society, everything could hunky dory and there may not be any reason for you to be depressed, but there is a core demand that can never be satisfied by anything else. No matter how well you are rewarded by the society, no matter how secure you are in your life and living, you will be unlucky as far as I am concerned. But if it happens to fall in the right place and heads in the right direction and begins to resonate, you will be in for a big surprise. But I cannot say whether it is good or bad in the social context.

Q: You also say there is nothing I can do to make it happen. 

G: The factor of luck is always there. That’s the chance that plays out in life all the time. Nobody can challenge it. No power on this planet can challenge it! Life is like that. You can’t say, “I make my own future” like Napoleon.

Q: But what does that have to do with the private space you were talking about earlier?

G: It is a private space in us in which Nature has a very different kind of demand unlike the demands we pick up from the social dynamics.

Q: If I didn’t hear about it from you, how would I know about the existence of such a space and its demand?

G: That’s a good question! Chances are that you will hear about it from somebody or the other. And if it clicks, you will begin to realize that perhaps the reason for your misery is not what they’re telling you, but there could be some fundamental demand which you have never addressed. 

Q: But I think hearing about it is doing more harm because when I did not know I was happy.

G: It is not possible to be happy that way. There is an uneasiness in you. Because you are reading it the wrong way, you are constantly running after different things to satisfy yourself.

Q: But knowing doesn’t help because you also say we cannot do anything about it!

G: Yes, but at least you will know there is no happy pill which you can pop to satisfy yourself!

Q: I didn’t do that in my case!

G: Well, there’s no generalization but I feel this way. Because the organization of Nature is such that life has to resonate with a frequency that is most optimal for itself.

Q: But we see some people being happy without having this knowledge, isn’t it?

G: No, that’s just your ideas about them. You really don’t know. The one you think is happy may not be all that happy.

Q: No, I mean I see some people moving in life in a way which implies they are content.

G: You see them moving but you don’t know about their private life. You don’t know if they’re fighting with their family! I am just kidding! You will be surprised to know how the most successful people are deeply dissatisfied. Until it happened no one could imagine Robin Williams would kill himself.

Q: But most of the guys who committed suicide had serious mental problems.

G: You can say mental problem. What’s the definition of mental problem? They were such fit and high-performing individuals, that’s the social space I’m talking about.

Q: I’m completely disillusioned with it.

G: Exactly. No prescription is going to give you happiness. There’s no happy pill. 

Q: That’s the problem.

G: If you can live sanely and intelligently and you have what you need to survive, then you are already way ahead of the game. And if you are already ahead of the game, the private space will be felt with more immediacy. It’s like a palpitation next to your heart. Look, I’m not saying you have to search for anything. There is no such thing. Because the moment I say it’s a private space, I am asking you to go find out for yourself. Who else can know about your private space?

Q: How is this going to help me?

G: It is not a question of help. To you “help” is what you can use to actualize your idea of how your life should be. Here is a simple example. Suppose, I have a kid. The information about that kid’s wellbeing determines the level of mental peace and stability for me. No matter how much achievement, money or pleasure comes my way, I won’t be happy if my kid is not doing well. The core, existential demand is like that. Nothing else can satisfy it. I don’t want to give you a sales pitch, but this space in me is so palpable that even when I go to the kitchen and do dishes, it is such a delicious job! You have to know me well enough to sense that this space is there and it is in such marvellous harmony. I’m not joking, I’m serious!

Q: What you say takes away all hope. What’s the point in anything then?

G: Hope is about getting or not getting what you want.

Q: I don’t want anything!

G: If that is so, then why do you need hope? The people who are hopeful of a colorful and dreamy future are the ones who will be seriously bothered by my ranting. Life is a series of moments and every time you take part in it, if you are fully there and not thinking about any alternatives, you will understand that living is a movement.

Q: For how many years have I been hearing all this? I have heard a million times, but nothing has changed here.

G: You have heard a lot but you have never really tried to look inside yourself. You have too many distractions. Whatever work you have at hand, you have to do it well. When you are driving, you can’t think of these things, you just drive well. When you are cooking, you have to do it well.

Q: Is this the same thing as living from moment to moment?

G: Thinking of living from moment to moment is different from living itself. 

Is it not a miracle 
When suffering stops playing games,
Conflicts disappear,
The petty mind bids goodbye,
And the future provokes no fear.

Is it not a miracle
When all goals crumble on their own,
When there’s no desire to be loved or be known,
When one doesn’t know what one has or hasn’t,
When the vessel feels full and empty at once.

It is indeed a miracle 
Because I met my Master,
And he has led me to the land of the unknown.