3-Dec-20
8:17 am
Sovereign apts, Pondy
Rahul, Radhika and Venky arrived on 1st Dec. G arranged a cab to pick them up from Chennai. He allowed Venky and Rahul to come on a day that synced with Radhika’s arrival date in Chennai. A few hours into their arrival, I started sensing a big surge in the energy dynamics. My head tightened, alertness levels jacked up and I couldn’t eat any of the junk food I was gorging on all these days. I got that same acidic taste in the mouth I have felt so many times before that forces me to avoid all fried, salty and sweet stuff.
***
Today morning’s atmosphere was electric. Whatever G uttered was so deeply moving that it went like a straight arrow inside me. I was transfixed, so were most of the others around. There was pin-drop silence in the room for the longest time. I was so high I din’t know what to do with myself. I told him, “I feel like Hercules, like a giant, but I just sit quietly, what do I do with it?!” An angelic smile filled his face and he gestured to me to keep writing. Then he said, “You have forgotten to sing all together! I have to get you started again!” Then he went up to Venky and asked him to look for a song for me to practice.
***
A couple of days ago he said “It is about time you guys put out everything that you have. It should be available out there.” He meant audiotapes of his talks, videos, transcribed talks etc.
***
Around mid-November while we were still in Kolkata, he suggested that we could compile a book of his talks out of the ones that we think are good. Since then I and another friend have been working on transcribing and editing some of G’s latest talks. I spent many days editing “My needs are specific”, “On Will” and “Life needs no God”. I go over each line at least twenty times before I am satisfied. We also decided to make the talks available on his website as they get done. When all of them are ready, we will make a book out of it. After a few days G told me, “Don’t worry about the website, make a book”. Since then I am working with only the book in mind, I won’t get involved with his website unless he asks me to.
8-Dec-20
6:51 am
Promenade by the beach, Pondy
We are walking in the promenade … he is with a bunch of friends ahead of me, I am way behind, lagging, alone with myself, with no desire to catch up with anything. The Sun is blazing bright today after 4 or 5 days of darkness and damp, falling full on my face, its gentle warmth nourishing the body. I am just an animal. I am bound by Nature. I see the trappings of the mind’s intentions, the rotting sore in the head that keeps on wounding itself in its bid to be free, harming itself in the guise of harming others, exposing itself in the name of exposing others. Finally, I feel free.
***
If someone is lucky enough to experience this agony, this crisis deep in his or her bones, that individual undergoes a change. From being an exhibitionist, she becomes a simple exhibition of whatever is inside, whatever the body’s processes produce every moment. Knowing fully how this exhibition happens and its apparent meaning or application is not possible, because it is in the realm of the biological workings of the body which is the maker of our intellect, the only instrument we have for knowing anything. The body is not run by my intellect. The body doesn’t lie, doesn’t manipulate, doesn’t worry, has no future – all this is by Mother Nature’s design. Hence, it does not want to suffer mental agony because it is not necessary or constructive for it in any way. The two don’t go together. This body is the master, the source of what we call happiness, joy, freedom. The terms are not important, by themselves they mean nothing, just dead words we like to babble, because we are so in love with our paramour Misery.
***
10:11 am
G4, Sovereign Apartments
Pondy
We are sitting in the living room around G. I am sitting on the couch right opposite him and writing.
Some strange things happened yesterday evening (Monday 7th Dec). We were going out for an evening walk. After G and friends stepped out, I put on my shoes, switched off all the lights and fans of the house, locked the door and went out leaving my phone behind. Unable to locate them after walking a few yards, I came back to pick my phone so I could call and find out where they were. Moments later, I got some confusing texts and calls from a friend, who was with G, about G’s location, and ended up loosing my way for fifteen minutes, before I finally found him after walking down the promenade for another 5-7 mins. I was not perturbed at all, just a bit surprised. When I met G, he exclaimed, “Where were you? We were waiting and waiting!” I said with a chuckle that I got lost for a while. He looked aghast, “Lost? How is that possible?!”, he said. When I told him what had happened, he got angry. It was then that I realized that something was off. My innocence had prevented me earlier from realizing that somebody could ever try to confuse me! Then I suddenly flew into a rage directed at that person. I had no clue why I was raging, yet the firepower kept pouring out of me. My solar plexus started beating and burning uncontrollably and I felt feverish with high energy. My body was giving me a strong signal about something.
***
11:28 am
G just now said firmly to the group sitting around him:
“Spirituality is the spirit of life, which is in the harmonious existence of everything. There is no such thing as spiritual energy or potential, it does not exist. What is inside you just comes out. You yourself end up doing things that fan those things and they come out even more. If you guys here fight amongst each other, kill each other, I won’t raise a finger to stop anything. Whatever is going on amongst you is your problem. Don’t think that I will either douse the fire or fan it. I won’t raise even my little finger. You have to clean up your own shit!”
9-Dec-20
12:35 am
My room in Sovereign Apartments,
Pondicherry
As G got up from his couch and asked everybody to disperse, he noticed that the living room floor was dirty. Bits of food were lying scattered all around. He asked a few friends to vacuum the place. As I saw them painstakingly clean the floor after a long and exhausting day, I felt what G had said earlier about you have to clean your own shit was coming true right in front of my eyes! G stood watching and made sure the job was done well before all of us retired to our respective rooms.
***
The startling series of events that unfolded out of the blue from Monday, 7th December till the close of day today (Wednesday) revealed the illusory nature of past and future in all its nudity to me. Whatever happens now is the only reality, whichever way one behaves right now is what one is. All our stories, associations, images and relationships have no value as far as life is concerned. This living energy that I am experiencing in G’s presence, which has so carefully and lovingly nourished my system, is sacrosanct and powerful beyond our comprehension. It is also merciless, it knows no distraction. Anything that tries to thwart it gets burnt down. It is the fire that burns in the belly of every living thing, the warmth in every living cell that preserves the ageless continuity of life. How can anything that thought creates ever touch it?
***
5:22 am
Living room, Sovereign Apartments,
Pondy
I stayed up very late yesterday. Couldn’t sleep, something was keeping me up. I was twisting and turning from inside. Words kept gushing out of my fingertips in their own precise rhythm, as I typed away distractionless, purposeful to the core, without any known goal, experiencing an unknown joy and enthusiasm without the thought-fuelled highs.
***
7:20 am
Promenade beach, Pondy
I am sitting on a stone bench by the sea and typing on my phone these words that are spontaneously springing up. Moments back, G looked back at me as we were walking with all the friends and said strangely, “From now on the weather is going to be great. No more storms!” Something in me felt it was a hint about what was to come in my life, and I smiled in gratitude at him. This is my existence, my ground, Mother Nature has worked tirelessly for millions of years to bring me here. Nothing can move me now, nothing can touch me, no guilt or filth can stain life’s purity, it is its own master. Its own well-being is its only goal, its ultimate comfort is in recognising the peaceful womb within itself and coming back to it again and again till it becomes its most natural way of existence, free from the wear and tear of conflicting thoughts created by the wrong foreplay of intentions which lie unattended and unwatched for centuries. I feel free at this moment for I have seen it, seen it all in me. Now, perhaps, I will see things as they emerge and unfold, free from my own filters. The enemy within has been overpowered by the body – the only real thing in this universe through which everything comes to be.
***
10:23 pm
Today I woke up in the morning with a stabbing pain in my back. It is in the middle of my back slightly to the right of the spine. I feel as if someone has stabbed me from behind with a sharp object and left it there causing a deep wound. The pain is so intense that it is difficult for me to take deep breaths or move my shoulder and right hand. My gait is awkward and I have to sit in a strange posture to feel even remotely comfortable. My solar plexus is pulsating and burning like mad, and tremendous heat is soaking my shirt. I feel some crazy animal is going to pop out of my chest. The strange thing is, I feel extremely vital and healthy inspite of the piercing pain in my back and chest. The unhindered gush of energy in my body is driving me up to cloud nine.
***
My body is sorrowless. I feel so fuckingly powerful, yet I don’t know what to do with it, it is totally in the realm of the unknown. G said today, “There’s no direction or goal, just movement.”
***
He is treating me like royalty! Anything I want he gets it. All I have to do is to look at the thing and then look at him! Like a child I want anything that catches my attention. Today I picked up a horseradish & wasabi siracha sauce (I usually never touch such spicy and garlicky stuff) just after entering a grocery store! He bought it for me without blinking an eye. In the evening we went to Anokhi, a clothing and lifestyle store, as Radhika wanted to look at some designs for pajamas. I entered the store a few minutes later and saw her holding a beautiful light pink printed shirt and pajama set. It immediately caught my fancy. I touched it, the fabric felt light like feather. G immediately asked, “Do you want it?” I said I did, never bothering to look at the price. Next moment the dress was in a bag hanging from my arm and I walked out of the store happily!
***
I have burnt in his pure fire, centuries of accumulated garbage. Nothing can touch this sacred space in which he has grounded me.
***
I am suddenly seeing hoards of young people gathering wherever G and I go. A cascade of young men and women, girls and boys suddenly descended on Pondicherry on the evening of 7th December. The mysterious magic realism of life is unfolding in front of my eyes in ways far beyond my imagination. My entire surroundings is coming alive and talking to me in an unspoken, ageless language. What is this strange and heightened state of consciousness that was so far hidden from me? Life is never going to be the same again, I guess.
***
I feel unshakeably grounded yet light and innocent like a baby. Mother Nature’s design honed over millions of years has made this body as functional and sensitive as the existing conditions in the environment demand, and the capacities of this organism allow for, to attain a dynamic balance or order which is critical for the preservation and propagation of life. This drive is sacred, it is not to be messed with. Anything – any image or idea – that comes in its way will be destroyed, such is its power and innate demand to be what it is, to simply live without the past and future, not knowing what it is, yet be full of joy and enthusiasm, moving, moving, dancing without any direction or intention, purely driven by raw instinct. This is the only thing that is holy, the only grace, only peace a human mind can experience.
11-Dec-20
12:15 am
Sovereign Apartments,
Pondicherry
What a nightmare of the war of images. What a vividly real illusion! Unbeknownst to me deeper, core conditioning are surfacing. The finer they are, more terrible the burning. This is causing me unbearable physical agony. The latest painful hallucination started yesterday. Images play the friend and foe in tandem, I cannot trust my image-making machinery. The result of information matching can go both ways. The same mechanism makes me ecstatic and also makes me feel an excruciating withdrawal when the present situation does not match with the story running in my head. So, both the highs and lows are qualitatively similar. And the most startling discovery of mine is: the image of G that got created in my head as a part of the process of getting to know him, and then coming very close to him, is as unreal and shifty as all the other images whose vivid interplay is driving me nuts! I am powerless in front of this illusion. Can I choose not to get elated by the highs and almost killed by the lows? G says the body can handle these problems if I do not interfere and let the burning and heat do its job. What job or what purpose it has, I have no clue about it. What we call mind, is a powerful instrument. The proof of its might is manifest in the stupendous growth and advancement of human learning and technology advancement. Inside us, this same instrument can create insanely powerful illusions in our brain. G says one has to live through and experience these illusions as they are being purged and thrown out by the body. There is no other way. He himself went through a phase of experiencing powerful visions which he later called a purging process.
***
10:50 am
Thought is my enemy! What a risky thing it is to think about anything! Anything I think is coming true or manifesting immediately. It then starts playing like a scary or happy movie in an auto mode, squeezing everything out of me, burning my chest and solar plexus like a massive forest fire, setting my head in a tizzy. What an unbearable overdrive in the body. I am completely helpless, I don’t know what to choose, I don’t know right from wrong, everything is burning. I don’t know who the people around me are. Where are the people who I was so sure existed? They just seem like faces with nobody fixed inside, everyone and everything is ever changing. Where do I stand in this ever moving dynamics? The body seems to hate thought, the moment thought emerges trying create a future from information, a fire starts raging in my chest and the situation around me builds up in a way that I am forced to surrender completely to whatever happens. If the thinking process tries to habitually make any meaning out of the words and images I perceive, the entire series of events (this includes what the friends and G say and do, and what my eyes see) around me alter or transform in an unbelievable way to play out or enact exactly what is inside me. It is exactly like a movie and I am the spectator. This is driving me crazy. This mechanism is too powerful for me to bear! What G is doing since this craziness started is unbelievable. He is also part of this dynamics, playing along, pushing me to the limits, then allowing for respite. One of these days he hinted to me while we were sitting for lunch, “Feel free to experiment, just play along. It is like playing a role, that’s it. You don’t have to be afraid or worried!” I have no clue about what he knows or doesn’t know and what makes him do what he does. The one thing I know is, he never discusses or explains these things. He acts and then keeps moving. Then he even forgets what he said or did! Such is the momentum of the powerful flow of life’s energy in him!
I have no control over my body, I move slowly, breathe heavily, my chest and stomach are perennially on fire, the whole body is highly charged and sensitive, yet outwardly inert and withdrawn. I feel like a dead body walking around with powerful sensitivity. My speech continues to be impaired, I cannot speak a word. I am like a dumb spectator at the mercy of the circumstances. If anybody asks me anything, even G, no answer comes from inside, as if I don’t know anything. I can’t even answer simple questions like whether I want to drink coffee or not. I don’t know what’s going on, no words are forming inside me. I don’t have an iota of strength to resist anything. I feel I am dying every now and then, and coming back to life again with new vigour.
I cannot conjure up any image about G. It seems he is just a machine executing something powerfully and ruthlessly, and he doesn’t seem to have much choice in this process. His responses are forced out of him by the unfolding circumstances. When we went out shopping yesterday evening, the whole situation around me played out like a movie, apparently showing me how impossible it is for me to make any choice. All G asked me to do was to choose a nice shirt and trouser material for myself at the store. I didn’t know what to choose, I was stupefied. I wasn’t acting dumb. The usual movement of will that drives the choice-making process seemed paralyzed and frozen inside me. Then something strange started happening right in front of my eyes. All the friends and G turned into just faces with voices and started aggressively bombarding me with options. As I stood frozen unable to respond, they became impatient and their behaviour became increasingly chaotic. Soon, all of them starting talking to me at the same time. The shop was crowded and noisy as such. I felt a storm raging inside my head and the ground beneath my feet slipping away. The experience was so suffocating that I felt I would drop dead right there if the choice-making process did not subside soon. Anyway, the deadly interplay of sound and images ended the moment I somehow managed to make a choice.
***
Even a second of distraction, allowing thought to interfere, gets an instant punishment. No image or idea is acceptable to the present moment. This ever-changing series of events is controlling me and I am utterly helpless, I cannot move an inch in any direction. The only things I am holding on to, to keep some semblance of sanity, are music and writing.
***
(I am writing this from recent memory. I had no clue about what was really happening during that time.)
I didn’t know what was “mine”, or what belonged to me. Somebody pointed at my phone and asked if it was mine and I said I didn’t know. Such questions made me uncomfortable. The very thing that connects me to everything and gives me a sense of “me” and “mine” seemed to have snapped, maybe temporarily, I don’t know. I was unable to differentiate between mine and other’s belongings.
***
I couldn’t talk, no words were forming in my head, I was dumbfounded all day, day after day. When I spoke a little, it was only with G. I was folding my bed sheet in the living room one day when I told him in Bengali in a tone giddy with affection, “Eta ami tor jonyo kinechilam Pune te, tui asbi bole” (I bought this bed sheet for you when you came to my house in Pune). He responded instantly in a tone filled with deep respect, “Apni sudhu gaan korun” (You kindly keep singing).
***
His hints are masked, allowing my system to sort out things for itself. By the time it does, I am almost dead. It is as if I am dying again and again as thoughts are being consumed by the body. When the illusion is powerful, the punishment is harsh and I almost collapse. After resting for a while, I spring back again with an emptiness and euphoria that I can’t explain. it lasts till the next thought with some deep tag inside springs up, getting an instant, painful punch from the body. This is maddening. What is this humongous pressure from the environment to not allow me to think habitually?! For the first time in my life I am scared to think! I don’t want anything that thought creates – good, bad or ugly. It is so painful! This is like a self-correcting mechanism. I don’t know anything about it’s purpose, direction, goal or quality. The only thing I can feel at this point is that it is a massively powerful physical movement and the power of thought is nothing compared to it, and it is gradually paling into submission, but still trying to instil fear out of old habit, like a monster unwilling to drown in the ocean.
Yet, when I am by myself without the interference of ideas about anything, I feel a delicious coziness in the body, as if it is making love to itself. A careless joy is springing out on its own. Then everything gets done by itself, all my needs are taken care of, I don’t have to lift a finger. G is doing everything and more for me, completely taking over everything that I thought was “me”. I am just a slave, I have absolutely no freedom. This is a kingdom of plenty and nothing at the same time! There is no time even to breathe. It is mind-boggling. Yet I am not allowed to freak out or act insane or take anything for granted. He is keeping me together in both gentle and harsh ways, like a benevolent dictator. His energy output has increased by leaps and bounds. It is pouring and pouring as if from a boundless source, doing its job till the “order” is established for good. How otherwise could life maintain its rhythm in this largely sorrowful human jungle? The energy balance and local order that is paramount for the well-being of the web of living things.
***
I feel like a grown-up baby who doesn’t know what to do yet, feels great energy and vigour. What a show! I don’t get anything, any reward, yet there is enthusiasm, energy, meaning and gusto in everything, every step. Every event seems connected in a complex, integrated way. I have no clue about the connection though. This is a solid, immersive reality which morphs into a disturbing war of images and ideas when I slip into thinking.
What is this mystery? I will never know. What do I know about anything? Just my conditioned ideas and tags that I have accumulated since I became conscious of my separate individual existence.
18-Dec-20
Sovereign Apartments, Pondy
G says, “Our memory is fragmented. Whatever we remember is a part of the distorted reflection of the actual happenings. Memory by itself doesn’t have a time tag. The memory of something that happened two years ago and something that happened a day ago are not specifically ordered in the way we remember them. It is not necessary for the brain to remember the time tagging. On the other hand, emotional tags of memories have more weightage for the body’s organizational framework for its own survival and protection. Our senses absorb way more information than what our mind can capture, process and recollect. But our intention further manipulates the process of recreation to narrate whatever is convenient at that moment. To us it appears as real.” (I picked these lines from one of his recent talks in Pondicherry. There couldn’t be a better disclaimer for what you are going to read next!
This entry is a detailed account of events between 7th to 14th December 2021.
I find it impossible to understand what really happened during those days, by churning my memory and pre-existing knowledge. I realise it is not something my logical thinking can figure. The usual causal connections which my mind uses to relate to objects and events and make meaning out of them is of no help in this context. In retrospect, all I can say is, it was a bizarrely altered state of consciousness, in which the experiences are different from our regular, everyday experiences.
When I reflect on the experiences of those eight days, I see that my brain was using powerful imagery and meaning to direct my thoughts to a particular subject – the goddess or auspicious aspect of the female form. I was startled beyond belief when G also started contributing heavily to this altered state of experience, which I thought was just a movie running in my head! I couldn’t, for the life of me, understand what was going on, but there was no running away from it. It was so disconcerting that I began to question if this was a trick of my sense of self trying to falsely project a grandiose image of itself. “Why should I participate in this illusion?”, I thought. But inspite of all my discrimination, the bizarre movie kept on playing. Whenever we were out on the streets walking or driving, wherever my eyes fell, I spotted temples dedicated to goddesses. They just kept coming every minute! Then names of various goddesses and spiritual terms such as “Grace”, “Shakti” etc. started popping out of various billboards and banners, crowding my vision. Then I saw many ordinary women with calm and powerful faces, and innocent young boys and girls. There were a million other things that my eyes could see, and they usually do, yet they were picking up only those specific things. They would intensely focus on a particular name or word or figure for a fraction of a moment, then move on to the next. It was a powerful drive, and I felt helpless against it.
I consciously never had any of these ideas in my head. I actually experienced that my eyes were being controlled and directed by some unknown automation inside the body, that wanted the knower to see things in a particular way, and there was no choice whatsoever in the matter. I thought I was hallucinating and tried to turn away from it, but it made the whole imagery and events even more powerful, imposing and vivid. I knew without doubt that these are cultural conditionings and kept resisting them fiercely from inside. This resistance set my body on fire and punished me with an agonizing discomfort inside my head. Then, to my utter surprise, a couple of friends started telling me that I was something, that something had happened to me and I now had the same quality that Guha has. It was just crazy. I was utterly confused, to say the least. I thought, “Where is the boundary between the real and the illusory? What instrument can I use tell one from the other?”
As the strange events around me kept reinforcing themselves with more and more solidity, I was finally forced to surrender to the process. Sensing my discomfort, G told me obliquely that I should take it easy and behave as if this was a play and I was just playing a role in it. Then suddenly, G’s statement, “There is no such thing as reality. All you have is a functional reality that works for you and you have to discover it for yourself”, dawned like a new morning on me. So, I started experimenting with myself. I tried to relax and stopped resisting whatever was happening. One day I told him with a chuckle, “All I see these days are goddesses and what not! What is going on?” He laughed heartily and said, “It’s alright, just take it easy!” On the way to Auroville and back (we had gone there for a few hours), he made me hand out food to his friends, especially the young ones, as if some celebration was taking place. He asked me to make daal for lunch and asked some friends to help. After the daal was ready and on the dining table, he made me serve a little to everyone. Maybe it was to take my mind away from things.
Now that I have realised the hard way that I have no choice, do I need to worry about how to move in the field life? Not a bit. I will do whatever comes to me naturally and resonates with me. When I don’t resist, I feel amazingly charged up, confident and peaceful and my head is in seventh heaven of bliss, without any torture of any kind. G told me, “Finally the sun is out, the storms have passed and everything is good.” I recall he also said something like this when we were walking by the sea: When the high tide recedes, and before the low tide sets in, the waters become choppy, and it leaves behind a lot of stuff which reveal themselves suddenly. If one can stay grounded and not get carried away, things will settle down.
20-Dec-20
8:30 am
Sovereign Apartments, Pondy
Wow! I am bubbling with pure energy all the time, there is nothing to brood about or worry. My head is making merry all day. I work all day in the house with utmost focus. I don’t feel tired. Every part of my body feels amazingly light. What a cozy feeling this is. Just the way the cats, dogs, crows and tigers sit cozily and lick and groom themselves, completely at ease with themselves – I feel like that now.
A few days ago, G invited Bali, Aseema and her sister for lunch. I cooked daal and bitter gourd stir fry, Radhika made a curry and payesh (a Bengali rice pudding). After I took shower and got dressed, my body suddenly felt weightless. I thought I will fly away if I didn’t hold something to keep my feet on the ground! I grabbed a couch not knowing what to do, and just then G walked into the room. I told him about the experience. He said, “Just rest.” I hit the bed and conked out for I don’t know for how long. Somebody woke me up and said G wanted me to come out, the guests had arrived.
***
21-Dec-20
8:17 am
Sovereign Apartments, Pondy
Latha, her husband Vinod & their daughter Sampriti arrived from Coimbatore yesterday evening. Latha accidentally met G a year ago in Pondicherry while on a vacation. She had already read about G and watched many of his talks on Youtube, when she suddenly saw him walking on the promenade. She couldn’t believe her eyes and ran behind him to confirm if it was really the Guha she knew. G says meeting Latha is one of the most mysterious incidents of his life. Sampriti is a high energy kid and freaks out with joy in front of G. Latha is sweet and quiet. She is a top techie in Cisco. Vinod is a good-hearted guy and a great cook. The whole family is very fond of G.
22-Dec-20
9:21 pm
Sovereign Apartments, Pondy
We went to Club Mahindra with Latha and her family. We Rented an Innova and Vinodh drove his own car. I jumped and ran on the beach like a 5 year old kid. I feel no inhibitions. I feel so light as if there’s nothing inside me, so the outside fills me, captivates me and I can’t think. What a tremendous relief, what a delicious disposition to have. Every day is packed with wonder and movement and my head is not expecting or formulating anything. Something radical has happened to my 40 year old thinking structure, it is unable to hold itself together continuously.
***
Sampriti is sticking to me. I can sense that she is feeling ever more cozy in my company. She comes and sits in my lap, puts her legs on mine and just relaxes. She is intelligent and multi-talented. She sings beautiful English songs, plays keyboards and is also good at sports and studies.
***
When I wake up at 4 every morning, I feel a fresh burst of energy in every pore of my existence. It is a physical experience. I feel as if some pump inside the body is pumping vital energy from the head right up to the tip of my fingers and toes. I freshen up and go to the kitchen and wash the coffee pots and mugs. Then I wait for G to open the door of his room. Every work seems interesting and thoroughly engaging. I work almost all day, specially cleaning and keeping the house in order. I have been doing the major part of cooking, once a day. Cleanliness and order seem to be my innate demand now, more than ever. I am in a high energy mode all day, and it renews itself beautifully without any doing on my part. It is an unbelievably friction-free way to live. For the first time in my life I feel I have no burden, no responsibility, no future.
***
I am feeling highly focused and attentive to everything. I don’t listen to anybody or expect anything from anyone. I don’t care what people around G think about me and I simply can’t chit chat with anybody, it somehow doesn’t agree with me. But I cook for everybody, make coffee and do things that are necessary. I don’t try to please anybody yet I don’t have any reason to misbehave with anyone either. I am aware that this kind of behaviour may appear as “weird” and “selfish” in the eyes of the society.
26-Dec-20
9:36 pm
Sovereign Apartments, Pondy
Today was Latha’s last day with G and the rest of us. G made all of Sampriti’s dreams and demands come true in these past six days. Anything she wanted any moment, he just made it possible.
***
I am like a recluse and by myself amongst all these people here. My true and unwavering connection is only with G. I see that the group dynamics is hardly bothering me, the effect of their behaviour on me is very less. It is somehow not affecting my stability. This was not the case earlier. I used to get disappointed and disturbed by people’s reactions. I don’t know how this grounding of my information-processing system happened, but it seems to be functional as of now. I am doing what I naturally want to without feeling any pressure from anyone. If my system senses any pressure, is either avoids it or breaks through it, without causing anybody any harm. And the best thing is there is no lingering effect. I am never feeling low about anything. I am just moving from one thing to another. There is a great dynamism and energy in me. I am beginning to enjoy the game of stimulus and response, which is an automatic process, if thought doesn’t interfere. It is such a burdenless way of living. A living that I cannot engineer for myself, in which I have no say, no control hence no responsibility. So, I am free.
30-Dec-20
5:19 pm
Sovereign Apartments, Pondy
Felt some pressure inside my head and slept for two hours around 11 am today. G and others went grocery shopping as I slept. I felt refreshed when G woke me up. I opened my eyes enveloped in pure joy and saw him rolling his eyes and making a funny face. I giggled and hid my face in the pillow like a baby! Then he started singing Tagore’s Oi Pohailo Timiro Rati (Behold, the dark night is over). I sat up on the bed feeling euphoric, just euphoric! Then he asked me to cook methi, potatoes and pumpkin stir fry, his favourite. Radhika made pongal and tomato chutney. I ate just a little. I was eating like a monster for a week or so, no more, I am feeling full again.
***
In the evening while having coffee, Radhika mentioned it was a full moon yesterday. Was it because of the moon that I felt sleepy and tightness in the head? Who knows! Everything is a conjecture. And what do I get out of knowing such things? Nothing, zilch!
***
10:29 pm
He said a while ago that both the full moon and clouds affect sensitive people. A friend was getting a little a headache or something and he was asking if she felt ok. He himself started having a headache after dinner and retired around 9:45 pm.
***
There are no uncomfortable or distressing thoughts inside my head. I am feeling light and euphoric all day. Even if there’s a tense atmosphere outside, due to people dynamics, my system seems beautifully balanced and poised to handle it. I am not getting unnecessarily affected by things that are not important for me. I am very forthright, I say what I think is correct without bothering about what others will make of it. My confidence is at an unprecedented high! I take nobody’s advice and try out everything for myself. I don’t feel compelled to say or do anything that doesn’t resonate with me. There’s no motivation to prove anything to anybody. I feel transparent. Distractions have completely evaporated from my awareness. This is a miracle that happened because of G! I bow down to him – my mother, my father, my friend – who’s presence has cured me of my misery.
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